It’s incredible how inefficient some people are when networking.
Especially, if they’re networking without a clear story or self-identity. First impressions are important. Just because I have your business card and you added me on LinkedIn does not mean I’m ever going to remember anything about you. I’ve always been candid with my feedback and wanted to share some pointers with the community on optimizing their networking experience, so here we go:
GETTING READY
Have Business Cards:
You really have no excuse not to have one. For under $50, you can have Staples print some within a few hours or have VistaPrint ship you a box within a week. While many people stress on the importance of design quality and uniqueness of the card, having a $500 platinum plated business card makes no difference to me if you only made a mediocre impression. Just have a card.
Do Research Beforehand:
Embrace the power of the internet. If the event is hosted on EventBrite or promoted on Twitter, follow the hashtags or browse around the public guestlist to look up the attending guests to find who might be most appropriate for you to talk to. Jot some quick notes and bring it to you to the event.
Make Early Introductions:
When necessary, e-mail a few key attending guests to let them know that you’ll also be attending. Be brief. Then re-introduce yourself when you arrive. You’ll now have someone you already know at the event.
NETWORKING
Arrive Fashionably Late (Optional):
You can do this IF and ONLY IF you are fully comfortable with taking the initiative to make introductions. This will save you some time with having to fumble around a limited supply of fish who are all getting warmed up themselves. Arrive when everyone is already onto their 2nd or 3rd drinks (or discussions).
Take Initiative:
This isn’t the time to check out your Facebook news feed or Twitter follower count. You can do all of that when you get home. To simplify things: walk up with a smile, extend your arm, and say “hello.” Leave the person to fill in the gap. And if they don’t, just begin with some small talk about how they found out about the event.
Pitch Yourself:
People judge you fast. You better have a story about why you’re there that day. Answer the question “Who are you?” without ever having the other person ask you explicitly. There’s no need to tell your life story, but you should at least be able to provide some sort of unique affiliations: your hometown, education, and background.
Have a Purpose:
“I’m here to network” is too vague. “I’m here to find a job” is also too vague and sounds needy. Instead, position it in a way where you are providing value and opening yourself to specific opportunities. Along with my introduction and pitch, I instead state that I am looking for guidance and mentorship. The results are incredible. Everyone’s willing to offer their 2 cents.
Listen:
I won’t go into importance of listening. You can Google that
Offer Your Insights:
Whether it’s a short compliment or a long drawn out strategic plan for getting them where they want to be, your insight and opinion shows that you have some sort of value to add. It also show’s that you’re genuinely interested. Ref: Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Move Quickly:
You’re going to be meeting a lot of weird people. Or people who just don’t have much mutual interests. It’ll save their time as well as yours to sever the conversation short. Tell them you’re going to refill your drink or go look for your friends (even if you came alone). You can ask if they want to come along, they’ll usually decline. Just be polite about it.
Connect People:
Remember those childhood logic games where you had to match two card patterns by flipping two at a time? Just like that, keep a mental profile of everyone you meet. Assign “tags” to them. If you’ve got a bad memory, use your phone’s notes app or draft a text message. This way, when you find matches you can make an awesome introduction they’ll be very thankful for.
Game the Gems:
Did you finally find a solid connection? Awesome! Don’t let that magic fade away and get all awkward. Before the conversation even begins to dwindle down, take the initiative to transition to somewhere else. Turn your interaction into a fun experience. “Hey, that group over there looks interesting. Let’s go chat with them.” or separate and meet back up later.
Finish on a High Note:
Before you’re ushered away by the late night janitors, make your farewells and always try to end on a high note. And just like when you made the introduction, remember to smile!
FOLLOWING UP
Remind Them Who You Are:
Adding them to your social network or shooting them a blank e-mail with a plain “pleasure to have met” message is a wasted effort. When you can afford to, always try and include the highlights from your conversation in your follow-up. It will also help to remind them about how you may be valuable to them in the future.
People Are Going to Flake:
Don’t get discouraged when someone you sent a follow-up to doesn’t respond. That just means your timing was off and/or your impression was weak. If you truly truly are interested in a getting a hold of them, there are many unconventional (still legal) ways to get a hold of them when necessary. Follow them around in the community and just chat with them again next time.
Stay Connected:
When networking, it’s easy to forget and be forgotten. For the contacts that are meaningful to you, send them an e-mail a few months down the line. Tell them what you’ve been up to and ask if they’ve got anything on their plate you could help out with. And if there are any similar events coming up, invite them out and reconnect.
REPEAT AND PROSPER
Good luck!
Tell me, “Who is your role model?”
Your parents? Your teacher? Your boss?
That handsome guy crying over a girl in that movie?
Fact: Chuck Norris has no role model; he is his own role model.
Okay okay lol. So life isn’t as cut and dry as we were all promised it to be. Somewhere over the past few generations, the idea of a single role model has all but faded. The lucid adolescent dreams of becoming a successful airplane pilot, news anchor, firefighter, baseball player, stock trader, doctor, lawyer, or even a CEO of the next Microsoft have gradually been demoralized by the reality of having nobody to look up to.
How do we get to where we want to be?
Where have all the role models gone?
They haven’t gone anywhere. They’re just difficult to connect with. And even if we do, following their footsteps doesn’t necessarily guarantee repeatable results. I think the majority of our parents learned this the hard way. Either they made it or they didn’t. And even if they made it, they weren’t sure how to dictate how. So to steer us away from the risk of failure, we’ve been presented with a fail-safe method towards mediocrity -
The Cookie-Cutter Lifestyle:
- Study hard, (then what?)
- Get a job, (then what?)
- Buy a house, (then what?)
- “I don’t know, get married.”
What exactly are we being spoon fed to become?
- Search “Social Conditioning” on my Blog
The other night, as I sent out another inspirational article to a good friend and business partner of mine.. he responded boldly with:
“After reading a few of your e-mails, I just realized something. We can refer to a few of these things. You could easily be brainwashed before you know it. My suggestion is, you only need a couple of people, insightful, inspirational people that YOU believe is qualified (and you have to be realistic and critical).”
He was dead on.
We live in an era where we have no clear cut role models.
Instead, we have to piece together bits and pieces of people’s experiences to build the super human we want to become. There are successful multi-million dollar CEO’s dictating that you will gain confidence only after becoming successful. Bullshit. It’s the other way around. Modern age “heroes’ preaching misdirected guidance to the hopeful general public about how they came about to where they are today. Yet, another part of their story may inspire you for the better!
As I’ve advised before: Take everything you learn with a grain of salt and apply your personal interpretation of it. Selective learning is best fit for successful personal development.
So, let me rephrase my question:
“Who do YOU find inspirational?”
A midnight summer cruise circles intimately around the shoreline of the Boston harbor. The city light reflections promenade gently across the passing waves, almost in complete cadence with the beat of the DJ’s music. Attendance for the occasion isn’t as promising as all the marketing hype made it out to be. Like a high school dance, small groups comprised of only the closest of friends mingle amongst one another. It’s safe. Without any solid connections at the event, an average looking individual prominently engages just about everyone as he makes his way to the best looking girls at the very back of the ship. With a confident smile and welcoming vibe to his approach -
“Hey girls, I’m really sorry.. but I’m afraid you guys have to get off this boat.”
Not the best opening; not even close! But an opening nonetheless. That was the exact opening line that got me connected with my second girlfriend ever. It was fun, playful, and an interesting enough icebreaker to what would have been a missed encounter. Think about all those times you wish you could have approached a girl, but instead glimpsed at her for the remainder of the evening. What exactly were you waiting for? The perfect pickup line? A formal introduction? Or that unrealistic fantasy of her approaching you? If I had to wait around for the perfect of conditions to meet someone, my network would be significantly smaller than it is today. Life is short. Carpe diem!
With every social event, there will always be a handful who prefer to keep to themselves for the sake of staying within their comfort zone. They will eventually somehow rationalize to themselves that they have no interest and/or that they are perfectly fine with the way they are. The truth of the matter is, they are afraid of stepping outside of social norms and making connections outside of their social circle. I’ve been there plenty of times. But I’m more than certain that if you’re single and looking, limiting yourself to those who you already know is just asking to be a part of one of those incestuous circle of friends. Or going without sex for a very long time. You could have choice.
The same apply to any social event – so don’t roll your eyes and think so highly of yourself for not attending the nightlife scene if you don’t. That is another bullshit of a rationalization that gets disproved time and time again: the idea that quality girls do not go “clubbing.” Welcome to the now! There are no rules or guidelines for acceptable forms of meeting a significant other outlined anywhere. You don’t have to wait for your friends to introduce you to someone or hope for an awkward moment at some concession stand with some beautiful girl. That’s all in your head. From my experience of going out three or more events weekly for the past two or so years.. I’ve met and interacted with great people from all walks of life.
People will eventually go out to celebrate a birthday or something significant.
The nightlife just so happens to be where the highest volume of people are.
Okay, so let’s delve a bit deeper into the right mindset for an approach..
At any given moment, there is a greater depth of experience that is fully within your grasp. While you cannot control a woman’s response, you will always have control over whether or not you walk up to her and say hello. You are not your mind. Give yourself permission to be amazing and just go. Nothing is more exciting and attractive to a girl than a man with the confidence to make an approach. Solid game is built on sustained effort from the experience of wanting to become the best at the art of approaching and the pure enjoyment of the act. Whereas weak game relies on ego-based bluster of desirable artificial outcomes and the superficial acceptance from others.
Being a chode is easy. Seriously. There is no expenditure of any energy whatsoever. You buy a drink, lean against the bar, and stare blankly until the night is over. Drive home, complain that the night sucked, and then repeat it all over again next week. You will not be humiliated, there are no risks involved, and heck you can even convince yourself that you looked cool for maybe a minute or two! What a fucking fantastic lifestyle. I see guys do this week in and week out. Until of course, they miraculously find a random girl who in drunken stupor lands on their lap to take home. Then they’ll disappear for a few months only to return single again. These guys do not have choice in the women they date.
Now. Let’s say you took the shot the other guys didn’t…
Out of all the chodes in the room, YOU are the one willing to risk rejection and welcome failure to get what you want. Learn to laugh at yourself and let everything go. This is all for fun. You didn’t dip your toes into the pool to check how cold it was before going in; you did a fucking canonball into the deep end! There are thousands of them and only one of you. HAVE FUN, Go socialize, and share the love! Assume success in yourself. People all around you are your potential friends and girls want you (they just don’t know yet). Talk to everyone and anyone; socialize. Don’t discriminate or judge people while you’re at it. Your purpose is to have fun and allow others to have fun with you.
Seriously. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die. I promise.
(When you’re a newbie, you’re going to look like a dumbass. And that’s alright.)
The more you think about the approach, the more of your valuable time is wasted. Eventually, you may even talk yourself out of it. You’ve been socially conditioned to stop yourself from talking to “strangers.” It’s really not that hard. You did it when you were little. Just go in with whatever happens to be on your mind. “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. I’m Will. Who are you?” It’s as simple as that. Don’t hesitate. Don’t over-analyze. Your words should be nothing more than an afterthought. A simple “hello” followed by a short pause works just as well. Throw in a solid smile and flirtatious comments and BAM you’re in!
You can really do or say almost anything you want.
Lower your standards of how to open a conversation.
In order to be a champion – you need to learn how to not give a fuck. Don’t try to be confident; be indifferent. What people say or think of you is irrelevant as long as you are the fun social one. You’re just out opening conversations and meeting new people. And most importantly, having fun. Get out of your head, stop evaluating yourself and others, stop thinking about random bullshit, and just go. Get into interactions fast! You are outcome independent and are willing to walk away from just about any conversation. Eliminate the idea that you are out to pick up girls. If one goes sour, don’t take it personally and keep moving forward. Make approaching people you don’t know a habitual thing that you just do.
To make things a little bit easier for you to practice on your own,
I’ll break down some various openers as well as provide examples.
As an option to your approach, you can either root your introduction or not. In all cases though, make sure to smile! The indirect approach is usually rooted with a reason for the approach as it is often times followed up by an opinion question. Make sure the question you ask is somewhat relevant to your root and interesting enough for you to listen to their answer. The direct approach communicates interest right from the get-go and can also be rooted as to how you saw her. By joining or starting a conversation as if you already knew them, you are assuming rapport and can go great lengths if they play along to your reality. Maintain a stronger frame with good eye contact in order for this to work.
Assumed Rapport:
- “OMG. I’m sooo sorry I’m late. What are you girls drinking?”
Indirect Opener: (Rooted)
- “My friends and I were just talking about…
and were wondering what you girls thought about…”
- “Hey! So my friend thinks you’re really cute…”
Direct Opener: (Rooted)
- “Hey, I noticed you from across the room and…”
- “I noticed… about you and had to come say hi.”
- “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you really caught
my attention. And I’d love to get to know you better.”
Direct Opener: (Un-Rooted)
- “Hi. I’m Will.”
- “Heyyy, what’s up?”
Upon being presented the obligatory hand shake:
“You know what, you’re cute. We should just hug.”
gl, HF, gg.
The sudden sound of a camera’s shutter resonates into the far away distance. Snuggled together in their hotel blanket, a couple rests at the edge of a remote coastline admiring an ever so perfect sunset. The air so crisp; the water so calm; and the sand so white. Like painting on a disappearing canvas, the moment seems to slip away the more they try to contain it. Repressing the urge to take another photo, they fall back into their comfortable embrace with trust that such magnificence cannot be forgotten. Completely relaxed without a care in the world, whispers of love are exchanged as the sun continues to fade into the evening.
Who could ever forget the wonderful feeling of being in a new relationship? Sudden bursts of smiles from the sheer thought of seeing each other. Late night phone calls just to hear each other fall asleep. Waking up together to a brisk cold winter wonderland, warm and cozy underneath the covers. Telling all your friends and family about how awesome your new significant other is. Posting up the hundreds of pictures you took together while away on vacation. Hands in hand, exploring the world as if it was an entirely new terrain. Life feels so much brighter; so much more promising than it ever did before.
From the mindset of an active player, all this lovey-dovey talk would most definitely signal off countless red alerts with “Abort Mission!” labels. Yes, that is the case for a lot of hookups; where it would be best to break it off the morning after or way before anything had even started. Why? To thwart even the slightest of possibility of an unhealthy emotional attachment based on their naive upbringings and understanding of relationships. Whether you were a virgin, a freshman in college, recouping from a breakup, or giving off too strong of a needy vibe; now you know why it wasn’t taken any further. It would’ve been unfair.
However though, let’s say a nonexclusive relationship between two individuals managed to continue on for days, weeks, or months even.. How long could such a relationship last? Like addicts craving for the taste of sex love and lust, both could definitely gain from the relationship. While everything may be on the down low, the relationship will naturally go beyond the 2am 3am 4am booty calls sooner or later. The two of you will eventually spend some of the time together doing somewhat coupley things: dinner, movie, shopping, traveling, etc. Otherwise, the relationship would be too impersonal to last as long as it did.
From immature breakups to the most unexpected engagements; I’m sure you’ve seen it all. Spiteful status updates that are specially crafted for the sole purpose of stimulating their significant other’s insecurities. The constant stream of “we broke up” and “no we’re back together” updates. The I love you, I hate you relationship identity crisis periods. Maybe eventually reaching the Coolidge effect where everything in the relationship becomes uneventful and stale. Or on the brighter side, suddenly disappearing for a few months then coming back with questions on where to find a quality ring for the proposal.
We get none of that. So where exactly are we?
Unconstrained by the openness of our relationship, both of us act single and remain on the pursuit while apart. Sometimes falling asleep in the arms of our other lovers, we may even question whether or not this is what we had really wanted. The most indescribable of hard feelings hits when either of us long for the other while they are preoccupied with another. And to shield our hearts from heartbreak, we swallow our desires for the evening in desperate acceptance of the given situation as it is. Always yearning for more but in great company of one another; we wander in a bittersweet uncertainty lost in a void between relationships.
When our bodies do finally meet half way, time seems to extend itself for us to enjoy each other. From the top to the bottom, twisting and turning, covering ourselves in our own sweat and saliva, upright and head down, until we reach that familiar climax triggering the most pleasurable of shivers into an almost blissful fatigue. Right then, I can look deep into those beautiful eyes of yours and envision a happy life together. I know I can make you happy. And I’m sure you could do the same. However so, a certain cloud of doubt draws me away from that potential future. And I do apologize for being so cautious. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m looking for.
The longer we keep this going, the more riskier it’ll be for the both of us. The more we become invested, the more we become emotionally attached. We all secretly wish we had that special someone to put some meaning behind to singing along to the lyrics. An inevitable promise of love builds over our fabricated reality. It’s only a matter of time before the emotional threshold of yours or mine will be exhausted. I’ll tell you this though – For when our search comes to an end, we will know without a question of a doubt with stronger conviction and absolute trust that what we have found is what we had been looking for all along.
For however long this lasts, I hope you enjoy it for what it’s worth.
I know you. I see your texts when I’m with the girl you’re pursuing. Friendly in nature and completely platonic. Okay, maybe a dash of suggestive flirting here and there. But based on how quickly you respond to her, I can tell you’ve been dying to make things a bit more romantic ever since the two of you met. Somehow or another, you ended up in the friend zone and it’s not easy getting out. Let’s see how you ended up there.
It was the summer of 2004. Just finishing my freshman year, my first girlfriend ever and I were having some issues with the distance of her going back home to California while I stayed in Boston to attend summer classes. Conflict and drama over insignificant relationship issues haunted our immature little hearts of what would only be a few months apart. Jealousy ensued. She decided to break it off. And at the same time, a very cute girl popped into my life. One who I managed to attract quite quickly; even with my lack of understanding in pursuing the opposite sex.
Imaginative sparks of love filled the air as we would go for walks down the empty streets of Commonwealth Avenue in the evenings. We talked about everything and anything. I’d call her. She’d call me. I even cooked her the only decent dish I knew how to prepare at the time: penne alla vodka. It was so crystal clear to anyone who could see the shimmer in her eyes that she was very much into me. One late night, she gave me a call telling me she needed a place to stay overnight because her roommate was being rowdy. Whether this was true or not, I’m not certain. But we can assume it was just her trying to make the move.
I met her half way between her place and mine. Walking back to my apartment, it was getting a bit cold and I could tell she wanted to be held. I kept to myself and gave her my windbreaker instead. Once back at the apartment, I wasn’t really sure of myself on how to proceed with the given situation. I decided to play a game of Counter-Strike as she slipped into my bed and watched from a distance. Every inch of my body wanted to get in that bed with her. I played for another few rounds. After washing up, I could tell she was still restless and had been waiting for me. I placed some sheets aside my bed and fell asleep on the floor.
I was frustrated and disappointed with myself the next day. I somehow rationalized to myself the reason I couldn’t make the move was because I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend. Nervous and afraid of losing the only intimate relationship I had ever conjured, I called her crying to confess my trip down desire lane. I puffed up clouds of cigarette smoke into the air as I walked alone along the Charles River at night in tears. I even contemplated suicide by jumping into rushing cars on Storrow Drive over what had happened. It seemed like the romantic thing to do. I got back with my girlfriend. And the girl? We went our separate ways.
I was a fucking emotional wreck back then. Chode status.
So what the fuck happened? How did I end up where I did?
I had been brainwashed. My actions and thoughts had been a construct of social conditioning. I was lacking confidence and trust in my existing set of faculties. As we mature in society, we are presented with both positive and corrupting beliefs. While on one hand, many of what society teaches us is great for our survival and self-preservation.. There are many corrupting messages regarding romantic pursuits. Learn to identify and question these corrupting beliefs. From television, advertisements, the radio, friends, family, work, media, religion, movies and music: romance is defined to us by Hallmark companies; rather than discovering it on our own.
There’s a fine line when it comes to being romantic and being flat out stalkerish. While society dictates acceptable forms of what is romantic and not, keep in mind that it is simply an expression of appreciation. You cannot sustain or develop strong attraction with lavish romantic attempts alone. Guys have an odd fascination with supplicating in these various ways to win over a girl. This is both unsustainable and unreliable. The longevity of any relationship, platonic or romantic, is the mutual value gained from one another. When you take a girl out on a date, bring her into your reality; and not into an artificially fabricated dreamland.
More often than not, many dream that being able to have super hot sex all day long with the girl of their dreams will solve all their problems. Will it? Most definitely not. There are far much more complexities involved in being in a relationship; especially with a girl of extreme quality and desire. If you want to be successful with that one special girl, you should strive to be successful with yourself first. Women are not superficial goddesses. They are in this world to compliment you and your life. Take her off that platinum coated pedestal and begin to see women in a different shade of light. You are the pivot of which this world spins on.
Okay, now let’s get you out of the friend zone!
First thing you will have to do is disappear. Yes disappear! Not literally, but from her life for a temporary time being. Limit your social contact with her to a bare minimum. Long enough so that she misses your currently frequent conversations and gets her thinking about you in curiosity. “omg. but what if she gets a boyfriend? what if i miss my opportunity?!” What opportunity? Your current relationship as just-a-friend isn’t stopping her from seeing other guys anyways. During this time apart, keep yourself busy and growing in every direction possible: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is all for YOU and NOT her.
Upon re-entering her life after a month or so, she will be presented with a powerfully attractive new man. You’ll be both socially and emotionally more adept. With more friends and in greater shape than you’ve ever been in, your lifestyle will be one she will be craving to be a part of. While all of this may serve you well from having her drop you back into the friend zone, the most important factor is that you must be comfortable with being sexual. As hidden intentions are by far creepier than revealing them, put it out there. Compliment her physique. Express how much you’ve missed her and want her back in your life. And take it from there.
Go get ‘em tiger!
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