It’s incredible how inefficient some people are when networking.
Especially, if they’re networking without a clear story or self-identity. First impressions are important. Just because I have your business card and you added me on LinkedIn does not mean I’m ever going to remember anything about you. I’ve always been candid with my feedback and wanted to share some pointers with the community on optimizing their networking experience, so here we go:
GETTING READY
Have Business Cards:
You really have no excuse not to have one. For under $50, you can have Staples print some within a few hours or have VistaPrint ship you a box within a week. While many people stress on the importance of design quality and uniqueness of the card, having a $500 platinum plated business card makes no difference to me if you only made a mediocre impression. Just have a card.
Do Research Beforehand:
Embrace the power of the internet. If the event is hosted on EventBrite or promoted on Twitter, follow the hashtags or browse around the public guestlist to look up the attending guests to find who might be most appropriate for you to talk to. Jot some quick notes and bring it to you to the event.
Make Early Introductions:
When necessary, e-mail a few key attending guests to let them know that you’ll also be attending. Be brief. Then re-introduce yourself when you arrive. You’ll now have someone you already know at the event.
NETWORKING
Arrive Fashionably Late (Optional):
You can do this IF and ONLY IF you are fully comfortable with taking the initiative to make introductions. This will save you some time with having to fumble around a limited supply of fish who are all getting warmed up themselves. Arrive when everyone is already onto their 2nd or 3rd drinks (or discussions).
Take Initiative:
This isn’t the time to check out your Facebook news feed or Twitter follower count. You can do all of that when you get home. To simplify things: walk up with a smile, extend your arm, and say “hello.” Leave the person to fill in the gap. And if they don’t, just begin with some small talk about how they found out about the event.
Pitch Yourself:
People judge you fast. You better have a story about why you’re there that day. Answer the question “Who are you?” without ever having the other person ask you explicitly. There’s no need to tell your life story, but you should at least be able to provide some sort of unique affiliations: your hometown, education, and background.
Have a Purpose:
“I’m here to network” is too vague. “I’m here to find a job” is also too vague and sounds needy. Instead, position it in a way where you are providing value and opening yourself to specific opportunities. Along with my introduction and pitch, I instead state that I am looking for guidance and mentorship. The results are incredible. Everyone’s willing to offer their 2 cents.
Listen:
I won’t go into importance of listening. You can Google that
Offer Your Insights:
Whether it’s a short compliment or a long drawn out strategic plan for getting them where they want to be, your insight and opinion shows that you have some sort of value to add. It also show’s that you’re genuinely interested. Ref: Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Move Quickly:
You’re going to be meeting a lot of weird people. Or people who just don’t have much mutual interests. It’ll save their time as well as yours to sever the conversation short. Tell them you’re going to refill your drink or go look for your friends (even if you came alone). You can ask if they want to come along, they’ll usually decline. Just be polite about it.
Connect People:
Remember those childhood logic games where you had to match two card patterns by flipping two at a time? Just like that, keep a mental profile of everyone you meet. Assign “tags” to them. If you’ve got a bad memory, use your phone’s notes app or draft a text message. This way, when you find matches you can make an awesome introduction they’ll be very thankful for.
Game the Gems:
Did you finally find a solid connection? Awesome! Don’t let that magic fade away and get all awkward. Before the conversation even begins to dwindle down, take the initiative to transition to somewhere else. Turn your interaction into a fun experience. “Hey, that group over there looks interesting. Let’s go chat with them.” or separate and meet back up later.
Finish on a High Note:
Before you’re ushered away by the late night janitors, make your farewells and always try to end on a high note. And just like when you made the introduction, remember to smile!
FOLLOWING UP
Remind Them Who You Are:
Adding them to your social network or shooting them a blank e-mail with a plain “pleasure to have met” message is a wasted effort. When you can afford to, always try and include the highlights from your conversation in your follow-up. It will also help to remind them about how you may be valuable to them in the future.
People Are Going to Flake:
Don’t get discouraged when someone you sent a follow-up to doesn’t respond. That just means your timing was off and/or your impression was weak. If you truly truly are interested in a getting a hold of them, there are many unconventional (still legal) ways to get a hold of them when necessary. Follow them around in the community and just chat with them again next time.
Stay Connected:
When networking, it’s easy to forget and be forgotten. For the contacts that are meaningful to you, send them an e-mail a few months down the line. Tell them what you’ve been up to and ask if they’ve got anything on their plate you could help out with. And if there are any similar events coming up, invite them out and reconnect.
REPEAT AND PROSPER
Good luck!
A midnight summer cruise circles intimately around the shoreline of the Boston harbor. The city light reflections promenade gently across the passing waves, almost in complete cadence with the beat of the DJ’s music. Attendance for the occasion isn’t as promising as all the marketing hype made it out to be. Like a high school dance, small groups comprised of only the closest of friends mingle amongst one another. It’s safe. Without any solid connections at the event, an average looking individual prominently engages just about everyone as he makes his way to the best looking girls at the very back of the ship. With a confident smile and welcoming vibe to his approach -
“Hey girls, I’m really sorry.. but I’m afraid you guys have to get off this boat.”
Not the best opening; not even close! But an opening nonetheless. That was the exact opening line that got me connected with my second girlfriend ever. It was fun, playful, and an interesting enough icebreaker to what would have been a missed encounter. Think about all those times you wish you could have approached a girl, but instead glimpsed at her for the remainder of the evening. What exactly were you waiting for? The perfect pickup line? A formal introduction? Or that unrealistic fantasy of her approaching you? If I had to wait around for the perfect of conditions to meet someone, my network would be significantly smaller than it is today. Life is short. Carpe diem!
With every social event, there will always be a handful who prefer to keep to themselves for the sake of staying within their comfort zone. They will eventually somehow rationalize to themselves that they have no interest and/or that they are perfectly fine with the way they are. The truth of the matter is, they are afraid of stepping outside of social norms and making connections outside of their social circle. I’ve been there plenty of times. But I’m more than certain that if you’re single and looking, limiting yourself to those who you already know is just asking to be a part of one of those incestuous circle of friends. Or going without sex for a very long time. You could have choice.
The same apply to any social event – so don’t roll your eyes and think so highly of yourself for not attending the nightlife scene if you don’t. That is another bullshit of a rationalization that gets disproved time and time again: the idea that quality girls do not go “clubbing.” Welcome to the now! There are no rules or guidelines for acceptable forms of meeting a significant other outlined anywhere. You don’t have to wait for your friends to introduce you to someone or hope for an awkward moment at some concession stand with some beautiful girl. That’s all in your head. From my experience of going out three or more events weekly for the past two or so years.. I’ve met and interacted with great people from all walks of life.
People will eventually go out to celebrate a birthday or something significant.
The nightlife just so happens to be where the highest volume of people are.
Okay, so let’s delve a bit deeper into the right mindset for an approach..
At any given moment, there is a greater depth of experience that is fully within your grasp. While you cannot control a woman’s response, you will always have control over whether or not you walk up to her and say hello. You are not your mind. Give yourself permission to be amazing and just go. Nothing is more exciting and attractive to a girl than a man with the confidence to make an approach. Solid game is built on sustained effort from the experience of wanting to become the best at the art of approaching and the pure enjoyment of the act. Whereas weak game relies on ego-based bluster of desirable artificial outcomes and the superficial acceptance from others.
Being a chode is easy. Seriously. There is no expenditure of any energy whatsoever. You buy a drink, lean against the bar, and stare blankly until the night is over. Drive home, complain that the night sucked, and then repeat it all over again next week. You will not be humiliated, there are no risks involved, and heck you can even convince yourself that you looked cool for maybe a minute or two! What a fucking fantastic lifestyle. I see guys do this week in and week out. Until of course, they miraculously find a random girl who in drunken stupor lands on their lap to take home. Then they’ll disappear for a few months only to return single again. These guys do not have choice in the women they date.
Now. Let’s say you took the shot the other guys didn’t…
Out of all the chodes in the room, YOU are the one willing to risk rejection and welcome failure to get what you want. Learn to laugh at yourself and let everything go. This is all for fun. You didn’t dip your toes into the pool to check how cold it was before going in; you did a fucking canonball into the deep end! There are thousands of them and only one of you. HAVE FUN, Go socialize, and share the love! Assume success in yourself. People all around you are your potential friends and girls want you (they just don’t know yet). Talk to everyone and anyone; socialize. Don’t discriminate or judge people while you’re at it. Your purpose is to have fun and allow others to have fun with you.
Seriously. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die. I promise.
(When you’re a newbie, you’re going to look like a dumbass. And that’s alright.)
The more you think about the approach, the more of your valuable time is wasted. Eventually, you may even talk yourself out of it. You’ve been socially conditioned to stop yourself from talking to “strangers.” It’s really not that hard. You did it when you were little. Just go in with whatever happens to be on your mind. “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. I’m Will. Who are you?” It’s as simple as that. Don’t hesitate. Don’t over-analyze. Your words should be nothing more than an afterthought. A simple “hello” followed by a short pause works just as well. Throw in a solid smile and flirtatious comments and BAM you’re in!
You can really do or say almost anything you want.
Lower your standards of how to open a conversation.
In order to be a champion – you need to learn how to not give a fuck. Don’t try to be confident; be indifferent. What people say or think of you is irrelevant as long as you are the fun social one. You’re just out opening conversations and meeting new people. And most importantly, having fun. Get out of your head, stop evaluating yourself and others, stop thinking about random bullshit, and just go. Get into interactions fast! You are outcome independent and are willing to walk away from just about any conversation. Eliminate the idea that you are out to pick up girls. If one goes sour, don’t take it personally and keep moving forward. Make approaching people you don’t know a habitual thing that you just do.
To make things a little bit easier for you to practice on your own,
I’ll break down some various openers as well as provide examples.
As an option to your approach, you can either root your introduction or not. In all cases though, make sure to smile! The indirect approach is usually rooted with a reason for the approach as it is often times followed up by an opinion question. Make sure the question you ask is somewhat relevant to your root and interesting enough for you to listen to their answer. The direct approach communicates interest right from the get-go and can also be rooted as to how you saw her. By joining or starting a conversation as if you already knew them, you are assuming rapport and can go great lengths if they play along to your reality. Maintain a stronger frame with good eye contact in order for this to work.
Assumed Rapport:
- “OMG. I’m sooo sorry I’m late. What are you girls drinking?”
Indirect Opener: (Rooted)
- “My friends and I were just talking about…
and were wondering what you girls thought about…”
- “Hey! So my friend thinks you’re really cute…”
Direct Opener: (Rooted)
- “Hey, I noticed you from across the room and…”
- “I noticed… about you and had to come say hi.”
- “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you really caught
my attention. And I’d love to get to know you better.”
Direct Opener: (Un-Rooted)
- “Hi. I’m Will.”
- “Heyyy, what’s up?”
Upon being presented the obligatory hand shake:
“You know what, you’re cute. We should just hug.”
gl, HF, gg.
Before I get into the powerfully attractive nature of positive emotions in a man, let’s explore the origin of negative emotions from our upbringings. Brought into this world, we are quickly exposed to what is within our reach of attainability and what is not. No matter how much we yell, kick, or scream – our parents will not feed or give us certain things we may not be ready for. This reality of unattainable desires begins to sink in as a negative state of our emotions; manifested when we begin to wish that the present reality in front of us was in some way different.
Expression of negative emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, hate, etc) can be seen as one’s submission to the presently undesirable reality. It’s natural. And perfectly fine during a time of severe tragedy. But when compared to the larger and greater problems in this world, how truly upsetting is yours? Remember the first time you learned the word “unfair?” I’m sure we can all recall the moments in our childhood where we cried ourselves to sleep repeating the words “this isn’t fair.” You were the victim; and everyone was out to make your life more miserable. Poor you!
Hopefully enough, we have all grown out of that immature mindset and are now more aware of how to better handle ourselves. Unrealistic expectations of an ideal life will only set you up for a major upset. Believe me, shit happens. To both good and bad people. And there is much much more to come! The more energy you expend, the more draining the situation will become. So don’t resist the reality when it does occur. It will only bog you down. Your bitching and complaining doesn’t help either. No seriously, it doesn’t.
Recognize the problem; then take the right action to overcome it.
You know the pain in your muscles you feel when having a great work out? There are people in this world who pay big bucks for world-class trainers to help them feel that same exact pain. Feel it; live for it. Almost sadistically even! The quicker you become numb to the pains of life, the easier it will be for you to grow from it. When repeatedly confronted with undesirable realities, you will begin to develop a mental reflex for handling life’s conflicts. Your mind will become jaded to the idea of negativity. And the threshold of which breaks your reality will only strengthen.
Men who are unaware of how to move forward from conflict will remain in their negative states; trapped inside their emotional static. They will complain on and on about how they wish this was that. They will obsess over the future, in hopes of sudden change of their current reality. But by resisting the present, they may even fail to understand the problem itself. This is similar to the guys who go out to nightclubs and talk about how bad of a night it is. If you ever feel like you’re having a bad night: acknowledge it, and then move in the direction which will make you happier.
By acquiring a natural comfort and secure feeling of the world, you will begin to walk through life with absolute confidence. The level of control you have over your life will communicate the masculine traits all women subconsciously look for in men. Never nervous of the unknown, your calm state will make others around you feel at-ease within the environment. Navigating the complexities of the world with the same certainty as with the simplest of facts, you will naturally become a leader. From the strength of your own beliefs, the reality within will become the reality of your life.
This is not a technique; it is a state of being. Trust in self.
Published back in 1936 with over 16 million copies sold world-wide, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie still serves as one of the greatest books of understanding human nature ever written. After having had read hundreds and thousands of pages of books, e-books, blog posts, and forum threads on social dynamics – almost every bit of advice can be traced back and broken down into the lessons discussed in Carnegie’s book. For anyone who has not yet read it, I highly suggest ordering a copy off of Amazon right this very instant; it’s a little under 300 pages. From my initial purchase about a year ago, I have read and re-read it in its entirety three times. And because I seem to reference it so often, I decided to post this awesome summary I had found online:
Building Personal Relationships
Never criticize, condemn or complain.
- Self-criticism is extremely rare. Your criticism won’t be welcome.
- Criticism makes others defensive and resentful.
- Positive Reinforcement works better.Become genuinely interested in other people.
- People are most interested in themselves.
- Remember people’s birthdays and other important details.Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
- Find the interests of others and talk about those things.
- If you know nothing of their interests, ask intelligent questions.Be a good listener.
- Give your exclusive attention to others.
- Urge others to talk about themselves. Ask pointed questions.Make the other person feel important.
- People yearn to feel important and appreciated.
- Praise others’ strengths and they’ll strive to reinforce your opinion.Use Names whenever possible.
Smile.
- Greet others with smiles and enthusiasm.
- Smiling comes through even over the phone.Selling your Ideas: Establish a Space for Cooperation
Avoid arguments: you can only lose.
- Arguers will defend and embrace their previous positions.
- Even “winning” will hurt the loser’s pride and build resentment.A Guide to avoiding arguments:
1. Welcome the disagreement. Be thankful for a new opinion.
2. Stay calm.
3. Listen first. Hear your opponents out.
4. Identify areas of agreement.
5. Admitting errors will make it easier for others to admit theirs.
6. If no resolution is found, postpone action and promise to explore the opposing perspective.Begin in a friendly way.
- Open conversation with sincere praise, appreciation and sympathy.
- A friendly tone will allow others to broach discussions more openly.Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- Eagerly listen to concerns to diffuse tension and build relationships.
- Others need to finish spilling their ideas before listening to you.Be sympathetic.
- Most people hunger for sympathy.
- Tell them: “I’d feel the same way under those circumstances.”Respect others’ opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
- People don’t like to admit they’re wrong and may take it personally.If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- Demonstrate your willingness to rationally examine the facts.
- If another is about to criticize you, don’t let them start!
- A harsh self-rebuke may prompt the others to soften their critiques.
- Admitting errors clears guilt and everyone to move forward quickly.Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
- Another’s perspective and motivation is the key to understanding their decisions, agenda and personality.Frame requests in terms of what others find motivating.
- Ask yourself: “Why would someone want to do what I’m asking?”Selling your Ideas: Closing the Deal
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” as soon as possible.
- Emphasize things all parties already agree on.
- You will build momentum toward acceptance.Dramatize your ideas.
- It helps to make a visual, visceral demonstration.Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- People are more committed to their own ideas.
- Make suggestions and let others come to the desired conclusion.Appeal to the nobler motives.
- Appeal to ideals: a mother’s love, personal character, integrity, etc.Throw down a challenge.
- Stimulate competition among co-workers.
- Challenge someone’s capabilities/self-perceptions.Leadership: Giving Criticism & Driving Improvement
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- It is easier to take criticism after some praise.
- Look for things done well before calling attention to failings.Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- The burden of criticism is easier to bear when shared.
- It’s motivating when another has overcome the same challenges.Call attention to people’s errors indirectly.
- Direct, harsh criticism can destroy incentive to improve.
- Suggest alternatives: “How user-friendly will this feature will be?”
- Suggest that the idea isn’t flawed; it’s the environment or situation.Let the other person save face.
- Others will get defensive for fear of being embarrassed.
- Additionally, always try to give criticism in private.Make the fault seem easy to correct. Use encouragement.
- Make faults seem easy to correct and new skills easy to learn.Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement.
- Praise reinforces the development of a desired behavior.
- Make praise as specific as possible.Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- Example: “You’re quite capable, but your recent projects aren’t up to your old standards.”
- Respecting others’ capabilities will empower them to succeed.Leadership: Motivating Others
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- Example: “Would it make sense to organize these alphabetically?”Try to make the other person happy about doing things you suggest.
- Make others feel too important for tasks you don’t want them to do.
- Give out titles and authority: make others happy contributorsStep by Step Guide to motivating others to do tasks:
1. Be Sincere. Don’t promise what you can’t do or deliver.
2. Know precisely what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be Empathetic. Try to understand what others want.
4. Focus on any benefits the other person might receive.
5. Explain how those benefits match the other person’s wants.
6. Frame requests to communicate that the other person will personally benefit.
Summary, Quoted from: http://www.notesofintelligence.com/influence/