A midnight summer cruise circles intimately around the shoreline of the Boston harbor. The city light reflections promenade gently across the passing waves, almost in complete cadence with the beat of the DJ’s music. Attendance for the occasion isn’t as promising as all the marketing hype made it out to be. Like a high school dance, small groups comprised of only the closest of friends mingle amongst one another. It’s safe. Without any solid connections at the event, an average looking individual prominently engages just about everyone as he makes his way to the best looking girls at the very back of the ship. With a confident smile and welcoming vibe to his approach -
“Hey girls, I’m really sorry.. but I’m afraid you guys have to get off this boat.”
Not the best opening; not even close! But an opening nonetheless. That was the exact opening line that got me connected with my second girlfriend ever. It was fun, playful, and an interesting enough icebreaker to what would have been a missed encounter. Think about all those times you wish you could have approached a girl, but instead glimpsed at her for the remainder of the evening. What exactly were you waiting for? The perfect pickup line? A formal introduction? Or that unrealistic fantasy of her approaching you? If I had to wait around for the perfect of conditions to meet someone, my network would be significantly smaller than it is today. Life is short. Carpe diem!
With every social event, there will always be a handful who prefer to keep to themselves for the sake of staying within their comfort zone. They will eventually somehow rationalize to themselves that they have no interest and/or that they are perfectly fine with the way they are. The truth of the matter is, they are afraid of stepping outside of social norms and making connections outside of their social circle. I’ve been there plenty of times. But I’m more than certain that if you’re single and looking, limiting yourself to those who you already know is just asking to be a part of one of those incestuous circle of friends. Or going without sex for a very long time. You could have choice.
The same apply to any social event – so don’t roll your eyes and think so highly of yourself for not attending the nightlife scene if you don’t. That is another bullshit of a rationalization that gets disproved time and time again: the idea that quality girls do not go “clubbing.” Welcome to the now! There are no rules or guidelines for acceptable forms of meeting a significant other outlined anywhere. You don’t have to wait for your friends to introduce you to someone or hope for an awkward moment at some concession stand with some beautiful girl. That’s all in your head. From my experience of going out three or more events weekly for the past two or so years.. I’ve met and interacted with great people from all walks of life.
People will eventually go out to celebrate a birthday or something significant.
The nightlife just so happens to be where the highest volume of people are.
Okay, so let’s delve a bit deeper into the right mindset for an approach..
At any given moment, there is a greater depth of experience that is fully within your grasp. While you cannot control a woman’s response, you will always have control over whether or not you walk up to her and say hello. You are not your mind. Give yourself permission to be amazing and just go. Nothing is more exciting and attractive to a girl than a man with the confidence to make an approach. Solid game is built on sustained effort from the experience of wanting to become the best at the art of approaching and the pure enjoyment of the act. Whereas weak game relies on ego-based bluster of desirable artificial outcomes and the superficial acceptance from others.
Being a chode is easy. Seriously. There is no expenditure of any energy whatsoever. You buy a drink, lean against the bar, and stare blankly until the night is over. Drive home, complain that the night sucked, and then repeat it all over again next week. You will not be humiliated, there are no risks involved, and heck you can even convince yourself that you looked cool for maybe a minute or two! What a fucking fantastic lifestyle. I see guys do this week in and week out. Until of course, they miraculously find a random girl who in drunken stupor lands on their lap to take home. Then they’ll disappear for a few months only to return single again. These guys do not have choice in the women they date.
Now. Let’s say you took the shot the other guys didn’t…
Out of all the chodes in the room, YOU are the one willing to risk rejection and welcome failure to get what you want. Learn to laugh at yourself and let everything go. This is all for fun. You didn’t dip your toes into the pool to check how cold it was before going in; you did a fucking canonball into the deep end! There are thousands of them and only one of you. HAVE FUN, Go socialize, and share the love! Assume success in yourself. People all around you are your potential friends and girls want you (they just don’t know yet). Talk to everyone and anyone; socialize. Don’t discriminate or judge people while you’re at it. Your purpose is to have fun and allow others to have fun with you.
Seriously. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die. I promise.
(When you’re a newbie, you’re going to look like a dumbass. And that’s alright.)
The more you think about the approach, the more of your valuable time is wasted. Eventually, you may even talk yourself out of it. You’ve been socially conditioned to stop yourself from talking to “strangers.” It’s really not that hard. You did it when you were little. Just go in with whatever happens to be on your mind. “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. I’m Will. Who are you?” It’s as simple as that. Don’t hesitate. Don’t over-analyze. Your words should be nothing more than an afterthought. A simple “hello” followed by a short pause works just as well. Throw in a solid smile and flirtatious comments and BAM you’re in!
You can really do or say almost anything you want.
Lower your standards of how to open a conversation.
In order to be a champion – you need to learn how to not give a fuck. Don’t try to be confident; be indifferent. What people say or think of you is irrelevant as long as you are the fun social one. You’re just out opening conversations and meeting new people. And most importantly, having fun. Get out of your head, stop evaluating yourself and others, stop thinking about random bullshit, and just go. Get into interactions fast! You are outcome independent and are willing to walk away from just about any conversation. Eliminate the idea that you are out to pick up girls. If one goes sour, don’t take it personally and keep moving forward. Make approaching people you don’t know a habitual thing that you just do.
To make things a little bit easier for you to practice on your own,
I’ll break down some various openers as well as provide examples.
As an option to your approach, you can either root your introduction or not. In all cases though, make sure to smile! The indirect approach is usually rooted with a reason for the approach as it is often times followed up by an opinion question. Make sure the question you ask is somewhat relevant to your root and interesting enough for you to listen to their answer. The direct approach communicates interest right from the get-go and can also be rooted as to how you saw her. By joining or starting a conversation as if you already knew them, you are assuming rapport and can go great lengths if they play along to your reality. Maintain a stronger frame with good eye contact in order for this to work.
Assumed Rapport:
- “OMG. I’m sooo sorry I’m late. What are you girls drinking?”
Indirect Opener: (Rooted)
- “My friends and I were just talking about…
and were wondering what you girls thought about…”
- “Hey! So my friend thinks you’re really cute…”
Direct Opener: (Rooted)
- “Hey, I noticed you from across the room and…”
- “I noticed… about you and had to come say hi.”
- “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you really caught
my attention. And I’d love to get to know you better.”
Direct Opener: (Un-Rooted)
- “Hi. I’m Will.”
- “Heyyy, what’s up?”
Upon being presented the obligatory hand shake:
“You know what, you’re cute. We should just hug.”
gl, HF, gg.
The sudden sound of a camera’s shutter resonates into the far away distance. Snuggled together in their hotel blanket, a couple rests at the edge of a remote coastline admiring an ever so perfect sunset. The air so crisp; the water so calm; and the sand so white. Like painting on a disappearing canvas, the moment seems to slip away the more they try to contain it. Repressing the urge to take another photo, they fall back into their comfortable embrace with trust that such magnificence cannot be forgotten. Completely relaxed without a care in the world, whispers of love are exchanged as the sun continues to fade into the evening.
Who could ever forget the wonderful feeling of being in a new relationship? Sudden bursts of smiles from the sheer thought of seeing each other. Late night phone calls just to hear each other fall asleep. Waking up together to a brisk cold winter wonderland, warm and cozy underneath the covers. Telling all your friends and family about how awesome your new significant other is. Posting up the hundreds of pictures you took together while away on vacation. Hands in hand, exploring the world as if it was an entirely new terrain. Life feels so much brighter; so much more promising than it ever did before.
From the mindset of an active player, all this lovey-dovey talk would most definitely signal off countless red alerts with “Abort Mission!” labels. Yes, that is the case for a lot of hookups; where it would be best to break it off the morning after or way before anything had even started. Why? To thwart even the slightest of possibility of an unhealthy emotional attachment based on their naive upbringings and understanding of relationships. Whether you were a virgin, a freshman in college, recouping from a breakup, or giving off too strong of a needy vibe; now you know why it wasn’t taken any further. It would’ve been unfair.
However though, let’s say a nonexclusive relationship between two individuals managed to continue on for days, weeks, or months even.. How long could such a relationship last? Like addicts craving for the taste of sex love and lust, both could definitely gain from the relationship. While everything may be on the down low, the relationship will naturally go beyond the 2am 3am 4am booty calls sooner or later. The two of you will eventually spend some of the time together doing somewhat coupley things: dinner, movie, shopping, traveling, etc. Otherwise, the relationship would be too impersonal to last as long as it did.
From immature breakups to the most unexpected engagements; I’m sure you’ve seen it all. Spiteful status updates that are specially crafted for the sole purpose of stimulating their significant other’s insecurities. The constant stream of “we broke up” and “no we’re back together” updates. The I love you, I hate you relationship identity crisis periods. Maybe eventually reaching the Coolidge effect where everything in the relationship becomes uneventful and stale. Or on the brighter side, suddenly disappearing for a few months then coming back with questions on where to find a quality ring for the proposal.
We get none of that. So where exactly are we?
Unconstrained by the openness of our relationship, both of us act single and remain on the pursuit while apart. Sometimes falling asleep in the arms of our other lovers, we may even question whether or not this is what we had really wanted. The most indescribable of hard feelings hits when either of us long for the other while they are preoccupied with another. And to shield our hearts from heartbreak, we swallow our desires for the evening in desperate acceptance of the given situation as it is. Always yearning for more but in great company of one another; we wander in a bittersweet uncertainty lost in a void between relationships.
When our bodies do finally meet half way, time seems to extend itself for us to enjoy each other. From the top to the bottom, twisting and turning, covering ourselves in our own sweat and saliva, upright and head down, until we reach that familiar climax triggering the most pleasurable of shivers into an almost blissful fatigue. Right then, I can look deep into those beautiful eyes of yours and envision a happy life together. I know I can make you happy. And I’m sure you could do the same. However so, a certain cloud of doubt draws me away from that potential future. And I do apologize for being so cautious. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m looking for.
The longer we keep this going, the more riskier it’ll be for the both of us. The more we become invested, the more we become emotionally attached. We all secretly wish we had that special someone to put some meaning behind to singing along to the lyrics. An inevitable promise of love builds over our fabricated reality. It’s only a matter of time before the emotional threshold of yours or mine will be exhausted. I’ll tell you this though – For when our search comes to an end, we will know without a question of a doubt with stronger conviction and absolute trust that what we have found is what we had been looking for all along.
For however long this lasts, I hope you enjoy it for what it’s worth.
Another week; another day; another night; same plans; same places; with the same people. Life can get a little dull when everything is on autopilot. And many continue to live this way without much thought of how socially limiting it can be. Even I have managed to fall once again into an unhealthy routine! I’m not advising you to pursue a different career, transfer schools, stop going to the gym, or avoid hanging out with your close friends. That would be ludicrous. There are many great things in life you probably want to keep on a repeated basis.
By limiting myself to where I socialize, I have become victim to a self manifested scarcity mentality. I have been casting my line in the same few docks for way too long. This has truly crippled the idea of maintaining an abundance mindset when it comes to meeting and connecting with women. Having had already connected with a good majority of the regulars at these venues, the select few who are new to the scene instantly get higher attention on my radar than everyone else. And due to this artificial shortage, I have gradually become more attached to the outcome of these interactions.
There are far too many extraordinary people in this world for me to rely on chance alone. What are the most traditional and socially accepted ways for a guy and a girl to meet? Through friends or family, at the workplace, small social gatherings, religious groups, or professional arrangements. Very limited indeed. And with this limitation comes a series of very dependent, needy sub-communications which will turn off any highly sought after girl. Yet, many men rely on this minimal chance that they will some day meet the girl of his dreams through these channels and live happily ever after.
I’m certain there are super awesome couples who had met this way. I personally know a few, and they’re great! But when looking at the divorce rates, need for marriage counseling, and utterly retarded relationship issues for the remaining majority.. you will begin to a see a pattern: The guy will most likely had been blinded by his self-fulfilled limitation of women to have settled for that “special one” who just so happened to have landed on his lap. Without having had dated that many women and based on a limited experience, how do they honestly know if she is the best for them? They don’t.
Personally, I would want to be able to look at my loved one right in her eyes to honestly say that I have seen everything that is out there and know without a single doubt that she is in fact the most amazing woman in the world. But in order for this to happen more rapidly, we must continue to expand our horizons. Achieve great abundance by keeping open to where you interact with people. Explore new venues. Hang out with a variety of different social groups. Open on the street, the commute to work, at the mall, food courts, coffee shops, airports, restaurants, everywhere.
Approach at will, Wherever and whenever. Defy the norm. Make it happen!
Ask a girl what she looks for in a man, and she will rarely ever mention any of what I’m about to tell you. The concept is so trivial, which may also be the reason why it is often times overlooked. Unfortunately, the majority of guys fail to recognize what exactly it is that women expect from us. From the perspective of an unsatisfied woman, I can now see why some men are abandoned, divorced, or even cheated on. Aside from preferences for specific character or personality traits, women subconsciously look for men to satisfy two primary roles in their lives: the Lover, and the Provider.
The Lover
This is the dominant, sexual, passionate, and masculine man.
He makes the girl feel beautiful and desirable; in and out of bed.
The Provider
This is the nice, stable, driven, and even romantic gentleman.
He provides a sense of security and a promising future together.
Depending on where they are in life, a woman’s desire for one over the other will vary.
While still young and insecure about themselves, girls will prefer to have more of the lover type with a dash of first-love romance. At this age though, boys are quite far from their prime; they will be sub-lovers and/or sub-providers. As girls mature, they will slowly transition to seek a bit more security from a potential past heartbreak. As they reach the age around marriage, their desire for either or just about balances off to be equivalent. Once the idea of children and family come into play; the provider role continues to skyrocket as the role as a lover slowly dwindles away over time.
Now, where do most men fail? And why?
Women, intentional or not, have a tendency to give off attention-seeking signals. Go to Facebook and check the Status Updates of all your female friends and you’ll begin to see what I mean. With this, follows a flurry of guys who will offer their fullest attention, care, and act as the super sweet nice guy. They’ll walk a thousand miles to feed the girl soup in bed, just because she has a small cough. They’ll ask her out on fancy romantic dinners, send her a bouquet of roses to her workplace, and eventually give her that diamond ring she’s been waiting for. Aw, how romantic! This used to be me.
Now wait just a minute there pal.. What the fuck did she do for you to gain all this undeserved attention? Absolutely nothing. By going out on a whim and soliciting yourself so easily, you just lowered your value to close to worthlessness. You weren’t even a challenge for her. And in the mean time, other guys are offering the same exact thing. So you have just become a commodity to her.
So, what do you do to differentiate yourself?
Do not become the over-provider. She has survived X number of years without you; she’ll be just fine without your help. You should not have to take care of every little thing for her. It’ll foster a very dependent relationship. And right then when you realize just how much of a mistake you had made, she’ll begin to wonder why you’re not as “sweet” as you were when the two of you first met. Start the relationship off as the lover. It’s an easier transition to fulfill the provider role; rather than vice versa. Make sure to realize that satisfying both roles throughout the relationship is necessary in order for it to grow.
Women do not have the luxury of waiting around for you to grow up. So quit being a bitch and step it up!