You awaken in a slightly intoxicated daze to the sound of a passing car as it splashes against shallow puddles of rain just below your apartment window. Light thunders roll gently in the background alongside infrequent droplets of rain as you drift in and out of the morning calm from what seems to have been a maelstrom of an evening. Repressing each progressive blink, you can only wonder what unwelcoming surprises the shadows of the suddenly stranger world have awaiting for you.
Was it a month ago? Last week? Or just yesterday?
Mists from the shower had settled on the bareness of your bodies just before it was turned away. You can vividly remember holding her lower waist as your dominant hand held hers firmly against the bathroom wall. Caressing the back of her neck with a slow moving kiss, she would grasp the shower curtain with a downward force as you entered further inside her world than anyone ever had. The shower steaming impatiently as time descended to an infinite uncertainty, it could’ve been hours before the two of you would eventually dry off in bed on a day similar to this morning.
How quickly we forget.. that it’s actually all over.
From the day when everything on your mind was her, and everything on her mind was you.. something went wrong. Somewhere along the path to happily-ever-after did we forget to hold hands or remember to look back to make sure we were still heading in the same direction. As each step forward was taken together, we discovered more about who we really were, how we interacted with the world, and most importantly where we were heading in life. And when we eventually discovered it wasn’t the same destination, conflict ensued.
Passively aggressive. Outbursts of frustration.
Time apart. Time with friends. Time with each other..
Until the cold strange feeling of no longer being able to relate with your significant other had settled in.
Looking back at the beautiful mess of a memory we had created, it’s hard to just forever let go. Dusty picture frames showing off our happiest moments, a plethora of little trinkets and travel memorabilia to remember everywhere we had gone, and from what seems to be a perfect set of Facebook tagged photos to let anyone and everyone know that we were indeed very happy together.. How is it then possible for us to look back at our conjoining footsteps across this isolated beach and decide to now go our separate ways?
Intimately close yet emotionally disconnected, we try even harder. One obviously holding on stronger than the other, it’s clear by now that what was once natural and effortless has become increasingly difficult and forced. Attentively pacing slower and faster to get back in sync, this brief turbulence seems to have done its job of setting the two of you completely off course.
You can probably contemplate on forever as to how or why something so beautiful had to change. But it did. And like the changing seasons or a wilting flower, there’s no longer time left for resistance. As you look afar out into the ocean, nothing may seem as appetizing. The risk of another few years of your life passing by keeps you emotionally detached and jaded by the thought of courtship or another pursuit. And it’s fine.
Take the time you need. Recollect yourself.
Know what you want, and then go for it.
The sudden sound of a camera’s shutter resonates into the far away distance. Snuggled together in their hotel blanket, a couple rests at the edge of a remote coastline admiring an ever so perfect sunset. The air so crisp; the water so calm; and the sand so white. Like painting on a disappearing canvas, the moment seems to slip away the more they try to contain it. Repressing the urge to take another photo, they fall back into their comfortable embrace with trust that such magnificence cannot be forgotten. Completely relaxed without a care in the world, whispers of love are exchanged as the sun continues to fade into the evening.
Who could ever forget the wonderful feeling of being in a new relationship? Sudden bursts of smiles from the sheer thought of seeing each other. Late night phone calls just to hear each other fall asleep. Waking up together to a brisk cold winter wonderland, warm and cozy underneath the covers. Telling all your friends and family about how awesome your new significant other is. Posting up the hundreds of pictures you took together while away on vacation. Hands in hand, exploring the world as if it was an entirely new terrain. Life feels so much brighter; so much more promising than it ever did before.
From the mindset of an active player, all this lovey-dovey talk would most definitely signal off countless red alerts with “Abort Mission!” labels. Yes, that is the case for a lot of hookups; where it would be best to break it off the morning after or way before anything had even started. Why? To thwart even the slightest of possibility of an unhealthy emotional attachment based on their naive upbringings and understanding of relationships. Whether you were a virgin, a freshman in college, recouping from a breakup, or giving off too strong of a needy vibe; now you know why it wasn’t taken any further. It would’ve been unfair.
However though, let’s say a nonexclusive relationship between two individuals managed to continue on for days, weeks, or months even.. How long could such a relationship last? Like addicts craving for the taste of sex love and lust, both could definitely gain from the relationship. While everything may be on the down low, the relationship will naturally go beyond the 2am 3am 4am booty calls sooner or later. The two of you will eventually spend some of the time together doing somewhat coupley things: dinner, movie, shopping, traveling, etc. Otherwise, the relationship would be too impersonal to last as long as it did.
From immature breakups to the most unexpected engagements; I’m sure you’ve seen it all. Spiteful status updates that are specially crafted for the sole purpose of stimulating their significant other’s insecurities. The constant stream of “we broke up” and “no we’re back together” updates. The I love you, I hate you relationship identity crisis periods. Maybe eventually reaching the Coolidge effect where everything in the relationship becomes uneventful and stale. Or on the brighter side, suddenly disappearing for a few months then coming back with questions on where to find a quality ring for the proposal.
We get none of that. So where exactly are we?
Unconstrained by the openness of our relationship, both of us act single and remain on the pursuit while apart. Sometimes falling asleep in the arms of our other lovers, we may even question whether or not this is what we had really wanted. The most indescribable of hard feelings hits when either of us long for the other while they are preoccupied with another. And to shield our hearts from heartbreak, we swallow our desires for the evening in desperate acceptance of the given situation as it is. Always yearning for more but in great company of one another; we wander in a bittersweet uncertainty lost in a void between relationships.
When our bodies do finally meet half way, time seems to extend itself for us to enjoy each other. From the top to the bottom, twisting and turning, covering ourselves in our own sweat and saliva, upright and head down, until we reach that familiar climax triggering the most pleasurable of shivers into an almost blissful fatigue. Right then, I can look deep into those beautiful eyes of yours and envision a happy life together. I know I can make you happy. And I’m sure you could do the same. However so, a certain cloud of doubt draws me away from that potential future. And I do apologize for being so cautious. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m looking for.
The longer we keep this going, the more riskier it’ll be for the both of us. The more we become invested, the more we become emotionally attached. We all secretly wish we had that special someone to put some meaning behind to singing along to the lyrics. An inevitable promise of love builds over our fabricated reality. It’s only a matter of time before the emotional threshold of yours or mine will be exhausted. I’ll tell you this though – For when our search comes to an end, we will know without a question of a doubt with stronger conviction and absolute trust that what we have found is what we had been looking for all along.
For however long this lasts, I hope you enjoy it for what it’s worth.
I know you. I see your texts when I’m with the girl you’re pursuing. Friendly in nature and completely platonic. Okay, maybe a dash of suggestive flirting here and there. But based on how quickly you respond to her, I can tell you’ve been dying to make things a bit more romantic ever since the two of you met. Somehow or another, you ended up in the friend zone and it’s not easy getting out. Let’s see how you ended up there.
It was the summer of 2004. Just finishing my freshman year, my first girlfriend ever and I were having some issues with the distance of her going back home to California while I stayed in Boston to attend summer classes. Conflict and drama over insignificant relationship issues haunted our immature little hearts of what would only be a few months apart. Jealousy ensued. She decided to break it off. And at the same time, a very cute girl popped into my life. One who I managed to attract quite quickly; even with my lack of understanding in pursuing the opposite sex.
Imaginative sparks of love filled the air as we would go for walks down the empty streets of Commonwealth Avenue in the evenings. We talked about everything and anything. I’d call her. She’d call me. I even cooked her the only decent dish I knew how to prepare at the time: penne alla vodka. It was so crystal clear to anyone who could see the shimmer in her eyes that she was very much into me. One late night, she gave me a call telling me she needed a place to stay overnight because her roommate was being rowdy. Whether this was true or not, I’m not certain. But we can assume it was just her trying to make the move.
I met her half way between her place and mine. Walking back to my apartment, it was getting a bit cold and I could tell she wanted to be held. I kept to myself and gave her my windbreaker instead. Once back at the apartment, I wasn’t really sure of myself on how to proceed with the given situation. I decided to play a game of Counter-Strike as she slipped into my bed and watched from a distance. Every inch of my body wanted to get in that bed with her. I played for another few rounds. After washing up, I could tell she was still restless and had been waiting for me. I placed some sheets aside my bed and fell asleep on the floor.
I was frustrated and disappointed with myself the next day. I somehow rationalized to myself the reason I couldn’t make the move was because I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend. Nervous and afraid of losing the only intimate relationship I had ever conjured, I called her crying to confess my trip down desire lane. I puffed up clouds of cigarette smoke into the air as I walked alone along the Charles River at night in tears. I even contemplated suicide by jumping into rushing cars on Storrow Drive over what had happened. It seemed like the romantic thing to do. I got back with my girlfriend. And the girl? We went our separate ways.
I was a fucking emotional wreck back then. Chode status.
So what the fuck happened? How did I end up where I did?
I had been brainwashed. My actions and thoughts had been a construct of social conditioning. I was lacking confidence and trust in my existing set of faculties. As we mature in society, we are presented with both positive and corrupting beliefs. While on one hand, many of what society teaches us is great for our survival and self-preservation.. There are many corrupting messages regarding romantic pursuits. Learn to identify and question these corrupting beliefs. From television, advertisements, the radio, friends, family, work, media, religion, movies and music: romance is defined to us by Hallmark companies; rather than discovering it on our own.
There’s a fine line when it comes to being romantic and being flat out stalkerish. While society dictates acceptable forms of what is romantic and not, keep in mind that it is simply an expression of appreciation. You cannot sustain or develop strong attraction with lavish romantic attempts alone. Guys have an odd fascination with supplicating in these various ways to win over a girl. This is both unsustainable and unreliable. The longevity of any relationship, platonic or romantic, is the mutual value gained from one another. When you take a girl out on a date, bring her into your reality; and not into an artificially fabricated dreamland.
More often than not, many dream that being able to have super hot sex all day long with the girl of their dreams will solve all their problems. Will it? Most definitely not. There are far much more complexities involved in being in a relationship; especially with a girl of extreme quality and desire. If you want to be successful with that one special girl, you should strive to be successful with yourself first. Women are not superficial goddesses. They are in this world to compliment you and your life. Take her off that platinum coated pedestal and begin to see women in a different shade of light. You are the pivot of which this world spins on.
Okay, now let’s get you out of the friend zone!
First thing you will have to do is disappear. Yes disappear! Not literally, but from her life for a temporary time being. Limit your social contact with her to a bare minimum. Long enough so that she misses your currently frequent conversations and gets her thinking about you in curiosity. “omg. but what if she gets a boyfriend? what if i miss my opportunity?!” What opportunity? Your current relationship as just-a-friend isn’t stopping her from seeing other guys anyways. During this time apart, keep yourself busy and growing in every direction possible: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is all for YOU and NOT her.
Upon re-entering her life after a month or so, she will be presented with a powerfully attractive new man. You’ll be both socially and emotionally more adept. With more friends and in greater shape than you’ve ever been in, your lifestyle will be one she will be craving to be a part of. While all of this may serve you well from having her drop you back into the friend zone, the most important factor is that you must be comfortable with being sexual. As hidden intentions are by far creepier than revealing them, put it out there. Compliment her physique. Express how much you’ve missed her and want her back in your life. And take it from there.
Go get ‘em tiger!
Beyond physical allure, what character traits do we generally look for in a girl?
She should be: Fun. Playful. Adventurous. Sexually adventurous. Sensual. Affectionate. Caring. Loyal. Responsible. Decisive. Well-mannered. Cultured. Fashionable. Sophisticated. Confident. Positive. Independent. Non-possessive. Non-jealous. Non-judgmental. Open-minded. Understanding. Etc. All fantastic traits which make for a great life partner. One who you could most definitely enjoy traveling the world with. Now, let’s say that you do come across a girl with most of the attractive characteristics I’ve illustrated above.. Would you be able to handle her?
With all the right things going on for your girl, she will naturally draw the attention of other people. Yes, even other dudes! omgnoway Why? How come?! She’s attractive; so it’s inevitable. End of story. No need for further elaboration there. You always wanted that super sexy cool girl, right? Well, you got her. Now it’s time for you to deal with some of the bullshit that comes with having an attractive partner. The more comfortable you are with this reality, the more attractive you will be to her. Consider it as a test of your strength as a man!
So, let’s go over some of the basics of challenges -
Past Relationships
Innocence is an unachievable idealism that will bring your world into a downward spiraling plunge if you continue to look for it. The idea that such a girl with an untainted heart can exist is so paradoxically rare; you will only find them in those sappy romance movies. Unless her parents hid her well inside a basement while taking at-home schooling, any attractive girl is bound to have been romantically involved some way or another. It’s beneficial for both of you to have had past relationships. Life experiences that bring you closer to what you truly desire.
Sexual History
A girl’s sexual history is arbitrary. Can you blame her for wanting to express her sexuality? How about you? How many times in your adolescence did you want to fuck some random girl you barely even knew? You were horny. And so are girls. Whether she was with some scroungy dork who made sex feel like a chore or the star quarterback who gave her mind-blowing orgasms; you are now the man of the hour. No time for self-doubt. With the right amount of Dominance, Emotion, Variety, and Immersion – you will rock her world to a whole new level!
Girls Nights Out
Not all relationships work out in success. Unlike guys, girls can’t really go out on their own. It’s a dangerous world out there. So they will form their little packs and head out on their “Girls Night Outs” to hook up their single friends. There’s really nothing to be worried about here. If you’ve been socializing with her friends and being that awesome guy.. They will serve to be the most effective cockblocks I’ve ever seen; working in your favor! Keep that in mind next time you refuse to hang out with her friends just so you can stay at home and play your video games.
The Better Looking, Wealthier Guy
Stepping out of his Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano, a tall masculine figure dressed in a well-pressed designer suit and European dress shirt makes his way towards you and your girl waiting for the bus. The reflection of the sun off his unimaginably expensive shades catches you off-guard, blinding your vision for a brief moment. When you look back, your girl is ecstatically giving him a big hug and kiss on the cheek combo. Okay, let’s stop right here. Regardless of how ridiculously exaggerated this scenario is, you should be able to feel completely comfortable in your own skin at the time of such an occurrence.
The greatest misconception known to guys is that looks and money alone will get the ladies.
From this belief, what do most guys go and do? They work hard to become that doctor, lawyer, accountant, business owner, etc to handle their problem with women by buying them lavish gifts. It’s awesome to have great aspirations in life. But do keep in mind that – It’s not the money that attracts women; it’s the drive and ambition. Once money comes into play, the guy is instantly categorized as the Provider type. A girl who would usually put out on the first few dates is now “not that type of girl.” What happens to that guy when someone wealthier comes along? It’s a game you cannot win.
For the gifted few of us who have ridiculously good looks, kudos and congratulations. But unfortunately, women are not wired for attraction based on physique alone. It is an insignificant factor. The great Casanova himself wasn’t too physically appealing at all. I see great looking (and wealthy) guys out at the bars and nightclubs all the time. Without that charm and conversational skills, they simply become a tease to women. Instead of having choice in women, they wait around until women approach them. Shortly after though, you will see the girls leave them in utter disappointment.
The Good “Friend”
This is your average frustrated chump who hasn’t figure out how to game girls yet. He will listen to your girl for hours on end complain about her life and relationship woes with the subtlest communications that he would treat her better. The only positive response he will ever get from your girl though is “aww, you’re such a good friend.” Offering rides to anywhere and everywhere at anytime, this guy’s time is more worthless than a homeless guy in the streets of Manhattan. Let her vent to him.
Going into my first relationship, I was as jealous as you could possibly imagine. I’d check her e-mail, phone, AIM conversation logs, and even comments she would leave on her friend’s blogs. I was obsessive and overly possessive about her. I’d get jealous over every guy she would interact with; even the nice waiters at restaurants I would take her out to. I’d criticize her for being flirty. And get paranoid that she was cheating on me. I was essentially wrapping her up in a nice little present for the next guy to take her away from me. Her rationale would’ve been: “Well, he thinks I’m doing it anyways.” And it happened; self-fulfilled prophecy.
Jealousy communicates insecurity. The root of this feeling comes from a fear of loss and lack of value. Repeat that to yourself. Jealousy communicates insecurity. The root of this feeling comes from a fear of loss and lack of value. As a quality gentleman, do you really want to be communicating this to your partner? Occupy your spare time by improving yourself and social circle. Be confident in your girl’s ability to decide who the better man is. If she fails and picks some random chump, that is entirely her loss. And it’s time for you to move onto better things.
Trust your girl; have faith.
Ask a girl what she looks for in a man, and she will rarely ever mention any of what I’m about to tell you. The concept is so trivial, which may also be the reason why it is often times overlooked. Unfortunately, the majority of guys fail to recognize what exactly it is that women expect from us. From the perspective of an unsatisfied woman, I can now see why some men are abandoned, divorced, or even cheated on. Aside from preferences for specific character or personality traits, women subconsciously look for men to satisfy two primary roles in their lives: the Lover, and the Provider.
The Lover
This is the dominant, sexual, passionate, and masculine man.
He makes the girl feel beautiful and desirable; in and out of bed.
The Provider
This is the nice, stable, driven, and even romantic gentleman.
He provides a sense of security and a promising future together.
Depending on where they are in life, a woman’s desire for one over the other will vary.
While still young and insecure about themselves, girls will prefer to have more of the lover type with a dash of first-love romance. At this age though, boys are quite far from their prime; they will be sub-lovers and/or sub-providers. As girls mature, they will slowly transition to seek a bit more security from a potential past heartbreak. As they reach the age around marriage, their desire for either or just about balances off to be equivalent. Once the idea of children and family come into play; the provider role continues to skyrocket as the role as a lover slowly dwindles away over time.
Now, where do most men fail? And why?
Women, intentional or not, have a tendency to give off attention-seeking signals. Go to Facebook and check the Status Updates of all your female friends and you’ll begin to see what I mean. With this, follows a flurry of guys who will offer their fullest attention, care, and act as the super sweet nice guy. They’ll walk a thousand miles to feed the girl soup in bed, just because she has a small cough. They’ll ask her out on fancy romantic dinners, send her a bouquet of roses to her workplace, and eventually give her that diamond ring she’s been waiting for. Aw, how romantic! This used to be me.
Now wait just a minute there pal.. What the fuck did she do for you to gain all this undeserved attention? Absolutely nothing. By going out on a whim and soliciting yourself so easily, you just lowered your value to close to worthlessness. You weren’t even a challenge for her. And in the mean time, other guys are offering the same exact thing. So you have just become a commodity to her.
So, what do you do to differentiate yourself?
Do not become the over-provider. She has survived X number of years without you; she’ll be just fine without your help. You should not have to take care of every little thing for her. It’ll foster a very dependent relationship. And right then when you realize just how much of a mistake you had made, she’ll begin to wonder why you’re not as “sweet” as you were when the two of you first met. Start the relationship off as the lover. It’s an easier transition to fulfill the provider role; rather than vice versa. Make sure to realize that satisfying both roles throughout the relationship is necessary in order for it to grow.
Women do not have the luxury of waiting around for you to grow up. So quit being a bitch and step it up!